The case is:
A family is on holiday, father, mother, teenage son and teenage daughter. While being on holiday for 3 weeks on a nice camping there is a visit to a nearby historical town.
There they decided to have a drink in a nice restaurant. The daughter asks if she can also have a sandwich as she is also hungry. The parents agree. The daughter picks a sandwich that sounds good to her.
When they bring it, it is pretty large. The daughter seems to get distressed by the mere sight.
After eating it halfway, the daughter is full and cannot eat it any more and tells her mother that. The mother insists she eats it all as she has ordered it. The daughter continues eating.
So, what is wrong with this case.
Quite some things actually. It seems the "normal" way to go when parenting, but why? Would you do that to your partner? He or she is full, would you make him or her eat it, even though he or she basically cannot any more?
So why would you do it to your child? Out of the principle that one has to finish what one orders? Why would your child have to do that when your partner does not?
I am convinced that type of parenting is creating at least obesity and likely also eating disorders.
Just imagine the feeling of being full and then having to add about the same amount to that? Wouldn't you want to throw up? I can certainly see how a parenting style like that can create bulimia. Actually I am convinced that forcing children to finish their food, especially when they are already teenagers, and especially girls, where there is already quite an emphasise on looking good, will create that.
And who is to say that this teenage girl did not go to the loo afterwards to throw it all out again. It would certainly be relieving to her.
Another part of this picture that bothers me is another of one health. Overeating disrupts the digestive system. Its overloaded. An overloaded stomach cannot properly work with the food. One should never eat more than about 80%. And then this halfway worked on food ends up in the gut. Count your blessings.
The other thing that concerns me in this picture is the fact that there is no respect for the child. The child is full, that should be respected, nobody should be forced to eat or drink more than they can. This is simply mentally and emotionally unhealthy parenting. I cannot understand how parents can do this to their children.
It is emotionally also disrespectful to the child. This child, even though its a teenager, ended up eating the whole baguette (out of fear?), eventhough the child was full and already obese. What will this action of the mother tell the child. That its worthless, that her mother does not care about how she feels or her health or the way she looks?
To be honest from what I have learned about this family and their behaviour during the vacation it was quite clear that both the son and the daughter were not taken serious. Their emotions were not taken serious. This was not the only incident.
So, how should one deal with these type of issues?
First of all relax. There is no need to force food into a child.
The best way to consider how to deal with a situation like that is ask yourself how you would want to be treated yourself in that situation.
I know that I would prefer being respected. I would like it if I would be able to share my food with someone else or take part of it along for later. I would also like it that if I ordered something that I think is small, but turns out to be large that I could discuss this with my parents and see if we can find a solution together that does not incur throwing away food.
I personally also do not like to throw away food, so I can understand other parents having an issue with that. But be relaxed and creative and find solutions with your child that are respectful to the child. If need be, throw away part of it. Its less important than your child's physical and mental well-being.
Forcefeeding is consider abusive when done to animals (except for geese in France), but it seems fine when done to children.
I personally do not see any need in anything like that, its punishment, and for what? The sandwiches in the country of origin of this child are usually not large baguettes, usually they are more like English sandwiches, I am sure this is what the child had in mind. The country where they were on holiday obviously tends to serve baguettes. And there is quite a size difference in that.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
7 secrets for a happy child.
I liked reading the text in the following link.
http://zenhabits.net/2009/06/7-secrets-to-raising-a-happy-child/
Have a read, its interesting.
http://zenhabits.net/2009/06/7-secrets-to-raising-a-happy-child/
Have a read, its interesting.
Monday, 19 January 2009
co-sleeping success
My dear partner slept in a cot in his own room without any attention at night, screaming or not, from birth. So when he and I spent the odd weekend together he had problems sleeping that one Saturday night because I was there right next to him in a king size bed. He wasn't used to it. Then slowly but carefully he did get used to it. After a while he was able to have our bodies touch while we were sleeping there, which I really enjoyed.
A while after that I got unplanned pregnant. So I discussed the family bed with him, as I had done the family bed with my older 2 children. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to sleep again until the baby would leave our bed. I told him that he got used to co-sleeping with me, so he probably would be able to get used to having a baby with us. At first our baby didn't move much after she was born, so he had no problems, but as she grew older and managed to move around more he did get the odd night that he had trouble sleeping, but he did enjoy having her next to him. He didn't see her 5 days a week so he needed the nights to bond, so he persevered. He loved having her around and managed to relax and sleep. Not always all night, but who does.
After 4 years with her alone in our bed I was pregnant again and of course our new baby would sleep with us. This got my partner a bit anxious as he didn't know how 4 would fit in the bed. I told him to relax, we would see how things would work. Time would tell. Time did tell. Initially our youngest was at the side of the bed, but the she got more active and my partner noticed his bond with our 4yo was stronger than with our youngest, so we switched, our 4yo went to the side of our bed next to me and the baby in the middle. Later on the baby was nearly a year she was big enough to be next to her big sister and now the both of the are "in the middle". Sometimes almost pushing me out of the bed, sometimes almost pushing my partner out of the bed.
I think this is quite a success story on co-sleeping. My partner had to learn to co-sleep and he succeeded very well. Its done him good the physical contact with me and our girls.
A while after that I got unplanned pregnant. So I discussed the family bed with him, as I had done the family bed with my older 2 children. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to sleep again until the baby would leave our bed. I told him that he got used to co-sleeping with me, so he probably would be able to get used to having a baby with us. At first our baby didn't move much after she was born, so he had no problems, but as she grew older and managed to move around more he did get the odd night that he had trouble sleeping, but he did enjoy having her next to him. He didn't see her 5 days a week so he needed the nights to bond, so he persevered. He loved having her around and managed to relax and sleep. Not always all night, but who does.
After 4 years with her alone in our bed I was pregnant again and of course our new baby would sleep with us. This got my partner a bit anxious as he didn't know how 4 would fit in the bed. I told him to relax, we would see how things would work. Time would tell. Time did tell. Initially our youngest was at the side of the bed, but the she got more active and my partner noticed his bond with our 4yo was stronger than with our youngest, so we switched, our 4yo went to the side of our bed next to me and the baby in the middle. Later on the baby was nearly a year she was big enough to be next to her big sister and now the both of the are "in the middle". Sometimes almost pushing me out of the bed, sometimes almost pushing my partner out of the bed.
I think this is quite a success story on co-sleeping. My partner had to learn to co-sleep and he succeeded very well. Its done him good the physical contact with me and our girls.
Monday, 24 November 2008
Dessert first :-)
Recently someone told me that letting a child eat dessert first will promote obesity and unhealthy eating habits, but that highly depends on what dessert consists of doesn't it 
Our desserts are usually yoghurt or fruit or so. With that I really do not think there is any problem when fruit or yoghurt are eaten first, or even only the dessert.
Furthermore I do remember that as a child I had to first finish my main course before I could eat dessert, result I never ate dessert, because by then I was totally stuffed. I won't do that to my kids. They eat what is available and pick from it.
And as I do not make any fuzz over what they eat, they eat a bit of everything in general as there is no pressure at all on which food is eaten first or last or just. I do not expect them to eat anything they do not like either.
What I think the main thing is, is that dinner is fun, making it and eating it. There should be no stress at the dining table, because that doesn't make anyone feel any better or eat any better.
Our desserts are usually yoghurt or fruit or so. With that I really do not think there is any problem when fruit or yoghurt are eaten first, or even only the dessert.
Furthermore I do remember that as a child I had to first finish my main course before I could eat dessert, result I never ate dessert, because by then I was totally stuffed. I won't do that to my kids. They eat what is available and pick from it.
And as I do not make any fuzz over what they eat, they eat a bit of everything in general as there is no pressure at all on which food is eaten first or last or just. I do not expect them to eat anything they do not like either.
What I think the main thing is, is that dinner is fun, making it and eating it. There should be no stress at the dining table, because that doesn't make anyone feel any better or eat any better.
Monday, 10 November 2008
Positive reinforcement
What is the use? Or is there a use?
As studies have shown positive reinforcement is, like praise, rewards and other stuff like that an external motivator and with that not giving the child much intrinsic motivation, which is in general the best motivator a person can have. Intrinsic motivation will keep a person doing what they do (learning) and trying to become better at it. When there is praise, grades or whatever used, the child will work for the praise, grade or whatever, but not for the fun of it learning. What you can see is when a child is interested in something they will keep at it and learn more and just dig into it.
When a child is getting praise, they will not go for the topic, but for the praise and with that the topic becomes uninteresting.
Children love please their parents and teachers, therefore they will do what is necessary to please them, i.e. get a good grade, but do they remember anything from what they learned afterwards?
I do remember getting great grades for things, but don't remember much of what I learned in school in order to get those grades. I do remember being totally fascinated about a topic, which was not taught in school, so I went to the library and dug and dug, I was 12 and still remember the photographs.
Okay, I know.... this sounds like only unschooling is good. I wont say that, coz some kids love it in school so there is no need to meddle with that. But make sure that the children know that its not about the grades, that you as a parent are not interested in the grades, but in what they learned. You can do that by ignoring good and bad grades, but asking about what they learned and what they liked about it and all that stuff. Just by showing interest.
And this goes for other parts of parenting as well. Why would it be a good job if yr child makes a drawing, its not necessarily a good job. It can also be a crappy scribble job, but there is no need to say good or bad. Just say that you see scribbles in red and blue. Ask about the feelings or motivation that made your child make that drawing.
When I go to the playground I heard a load of "Well done" 's all the time for nothing.
When a child goes into a playground, what is the use in saying "Well done" when they go on the swing and swing. Isn't that normal for a child to want to do and have fun?
Or climb into a climbing rack? Isn't that just fun and stuff?
As studies have shown positive reinforcement is, like praise, rewards and other stuff like that an external motivator and with that not giving the child much intrinsic motivation, which is in general the best motivator a person can have. Intrinsic motivation will keep a person doing what they do (learning) and trying to become better at it. When there is praise, grades or whatever used, the child will work for the praise, grade or whatever, but not for the fun of it learning. What you can see is when a child is interested in something they will keep at it and learn more and just dig into it.
When a child is getting praise, they will not go for the topic, but for the praise and with that the topic becomes uninteresting.
Children love please their parents and teachers, therefore they will do what is necessary to please them, i.e. get a good grade, but do they remember anything from what they learned afterwards?
I do remember getting great grades for things, but don't remember much of what I learned in school in order to get those grades. I do remember being totally fascinated about a topic, which was not taught in school, so I went to the library and dug and dug, I was 12 and still remember the photographs.
Okay, I know.... this sounds like only unschooling is good. I wont say that, coz some kids love it in school so there is no need to meddle with that. But make sure that the children know that its not about the grades, that you as a parent are not interested in the grades, but in what they learned. You can do that by ignoring good and bad grades, but asking about what they learned and what they liked about it and all that stuff. Just by showing interest.
And this goes for other parts of parenting as well. Why would it be a good job if yr child makes a drawing, its not necessarily a good job. It can also be a crappy scribble job, but there is no need to say good or bad. Just say that you see scribbles in red and blue. Ask about the feelings or motivation that made your child make that drawing.
When I go to the playground I heard a load of "Well done" 's all the time for nothing.
When a child goes into a playground, what is the use in saying "Well done" when they go on the swing and swing. Isn't that normal for a child to want to do and have fun?
Or climb into a climbing rack? Isn't that just fun and stuff?
Hitting
Recently there was a thread on one of the forums I participate in. There were questions on how to handle hitting of a child that was not even 1 year old yet.
This was my reply:
Infants and young children basically have no clue what the consequences are from their actions. They have no clue when they hurt you or not.
So its the parents job to let the child know when things hurt, whether they hurt the parent or another child or a pet. But as humans have much more complex brains as animals its obviously not as simple as to train a dog into certain behaviour. Even though with my dog I am sensitive and look at her cues whether she even gets the point - but that is an entirely different topic
So how can we do this with little humans with complicated brains. First of all think of how you would want to be treated in case you ended up in a culture where you had no clue what they were saying and they had totally different idea's on what's normal and what not.
Young children / infants don't fully understand every word we say, but they are on a level of understanding emotions and sounds. Therefore show them it hurts and use the right words and sounds with it. Also explain how it can be done differently and what you would like her to do. Just keep talking, showing and redirecting. Its not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.
Simply keep respecting your child as a fellow human being and not put them on a secondary place, which is unfortunately quite common in the western world.
Example: My 9 mos old has no clue when she hurts the dog by pulling the dogs hair. So I stay with her when she is within reach of the dog, often she goes there. Both the dog (10y) and I are very patient with her. The dog usually keeps laying there - when I am not around she disappears - and when she grabs a hand full of hair I gently loosen her hand and tell her that that will hurt the dog and show her that the dog loves being stroked.
Slowly but carefully her grip has become less hard on the dogs hair.
She also head butts us, pretty normal for young children. My partner sometimes has a hard time handling it because it can really really hurt, so he hands her to me, while he regroups himself, but we keep being gentle with her.I have also handed her to him at times. And then we simply explain to her that it really really hurts.
Another thing to realize with things like pulling hair is that the hair grabbing is a rudimentary left-over from our evolution (no offence meant to the creationists here). In those times our babies had to hold on to us on our furs, like with the apes. Therefore they still keep grabbing our hair, but as we don't have a lot of body hair left its usually our heads and some kids also hold on to the ears or nose, not to hurt, simply to feel safe.
So, back to the topic hitting. It is al right to not feel happy about it. The trick is to handle it gently and keep repeating and redirecting.
You may have to repeat it a LOT of times, she is still a baby you know.
Basically in my whole parenting thoughts I start with how I would like to be treated if I didn't get that and with that I realize that a lot of parenting ideas out there, are in my view mistreatment as its not very respectful to the child.
Other than that, I think, that basically you don't really have to do anything more than say OUCH or what ever, coz sooner or later they will get the point that OUCH means that you really don't like it and somewhat older children hate doing things that are not right, they really want to be part of the group / family they live in and really do not want to be odd. So just simply by not hitting your partner and letting her know you don't like it it will stop, but it could last a bit.
This was my reply:
Infants and young children basically have no clue what the consequences are from their actions. They have no clue when they hurt you or not.
So its the parents job to let the child know when things hurt, whether they hurt the parent or another child or a pet. But as humans have much more complex brains as animals its obviously not as simple as to train a dog into certain behaviour. Even though with my dog I am sensitive and look at her cues whether she even gets the point - but that is an entirely different topic
So how can we do this with little humans with complicated brains. First of all think of how you would want to be treated in case you ended up in a culture where you had no clue what they were saying and they had totally different idea's on what's normal and what not.
Young children / infants don't fully understand every word we say, but they are on a level of understanding emotions and sounds. Therefore show them it hurts and use the right words and sounds with it. Also explain how it can be done differently and what you would like her to do. Just keep talking, showing and redirecting. Its not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.
Simply keep respecting your child as a fellow human being and not put them on a secondary place, which is unfortunately quite common in the western world.
Example: My 9 mos old has no clue when she hurts the dog by pulling the dogs hair. So I stay with her when she is within reach of the dog, often she goes there. Both the dog (10y) and I are very patient with her. The dog usually keeps laying there - when I am not around she disappears - and when she grabs a hand full of hair I gently loosen her hand and tell her that that will hurt the dog and show her that the dog loves being stroked.
Slowly but carefully her grip has become less hard on the dogs hair.
She also head butts us, pretty normal for young children. My partner sometimes has a hard time handling it because it can really really hurt, so he hands her to me, while he regroups himself, but we keep being gentle with her.I have also handed her to him at times. And then we simply explain to her that it really really hurts.
Another thing to realize with things like pulling hair is that the hair grabbing is a rudimentary left-over from our evolution (no offence meant to the creationists here). In those times our babies had to hold on to us on our furs, like with the apes. Therefore they still keep grabbing our hair, but as we don't have a lot of body hair left its usually our heads and some kids also hold on to the ears or nose, not to hurt, simply to feel safe.
So, back to the topic hitting. It is al right to not feel happy about it. The trick is to handle it gently and keep repeating and redirecting.
You may have to repeat it a LOT of times, she is still a baby you know.
Basically in my whole parenting thoughts I start with how I would like to be treated if I didn't get that and with that I realize that a lot of parenting ideas out there, are in my view mistreatment as its not very respectful to the child.
Other than that, I think, that basically you don't really have to do anything more than say OUCH or what ever, coz sooner or later they will get the point that OUCH means that you really don't like it and somewhat older children hate doing things that are not right, they really want to be part of the group / family they live in and really do not want to be odd. So just simply by not hitting your partner and letting her know you don't like it it will stop, but it could last a bit.
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
My grandson...
.... is one year old now and needs to go to a daycare centre now because he needs to be socialized, he is old enough now.
Ugh..... has he been living alone then since birth? No social contacts at all?
Those type of comments always make me wonder how people think. Why would a child have to be put in an environment they are not used to in order to socialize? Don't they have parents to socialize with, no siblings, cousins, grandparents, etc.?
How about the people in the neighbourhood?
Why put a child into an artificial environment like day care or school with children of the same age group when real life doesn't do that. You don't learn socializing with older people or younger people that way, or just dealing with normal life situations.
I keep being surprised about those odd comments.
Ugh..... has he been living alone then since birth? No social contacts at all?
Those type of comments always make me wonder how people think. Why would a child have to be put in an environment they are not used to in order to socialize? Don't they have parents to socialize with, no siblings, cousins, grandparents, etc.?
How about the people in the neighbourhood?
Why put a child into an artificial environment like day care or school with children of the same age group when real life doesn't do that. You don't learn socializing with older people or younger people that way, or just dealing with normal life situations.
I keep being surprised about those odd comments.
Thursday, 30 October 2008
Last years conversation
Last year at Halloween there was a party organised here, which I attended. I was pregnant at the time and this resulted in a couple of interesting conversations.
One of the topics was co-sleeping. I was told that it was not good to do that as one of people the at the party had done that with her youngest son and now he was not able to live alone, so when he had to go to another country with the military he took his girlfriend alone.
After a bit of talking I realized that this whole issue had nothing to do with the co-sleeping. The mother of this child had worked full-time as she was a single mother and the little boy only had his mother at night. Therefore it was the best thing she could have done for him considering the circumstances. This had made him to be quite a stable and healthy adult. The only thing was that he preferred not being alone, which is not that strange, as humans aren't made to be alone, they are supposed to live in groups anyway. So definitely this could not have been attributed to co-sleeping and considered unhealthy. Unfortunately his mother did not agree with me.
The other topic was dummies and blankies. I do not want my children to be attached to a dummy or a blanky, as these are substitutes for a non-present mother. I want my children to be attached to me. The reasons for that are that I want them to be able to build up healthy relationships with humans and not have them have relationships with plastic or fabric, as we are humans, so the most healthy relationship is to have one with a human.
The next topic was carrying my baby and the way I parent. I could not continue doing that I was told, I wondered why. Well.... a young baby needs to have a room of its own and sleep on its own and needs silence to sleep and stuff.
Well... not my baby, my baby is going to be part of our family. My baby can sleep in a carrier or on the bed or in the livingroom or so. Wherever we are. There is no need to all of a sudden send my children to school because there is new baby or so. I was very very surprised by the thought that I would have to all of a sudden change my parenting style, just because there is a 4th coming, when I have managed with 1, 2 and 3 children I surely can manage to keep doing what works for us with 4 :-)
And to be honest, it has worked out very well.
One of the topics was co-sleeping. I was told that it was not good to do that as one of people the at the party had done that with her youngest son and now he was not able to live alone, so when he had to go to another country with the military he took his girlfriend alone.
After a bit of talking I realized that this whole issue had nothing to do with the co-sleeping. The mother of this child had worked full-time as she was a single mother and the little boy only had his mother at night. Therefore it was the best thing she could have done for him considering the circumstances. This had made him to be quite a stable and healthy adult. The only thing was that he preferred not being alone, which is not that strange, as humans aren't made to be alone, they are supposed to live in groups anyway. So definitely this could not have been attributed to co-sleeping and considered unhealthy. Unfortunately his mother did not agree with me.
The other topic was dummies and blankies. I do not want my children to be attached to a dummy or a blanky, as these are substitutes for a non-present mother. I want my children to be attached to me. The reasons for that are that I want them to be able to build up healthy relationships with humans and not have them have relationships with plastic or fabric, as we are humans, so the most healthy relationship is to have one with a human.
The next topic was carrying my baby and the way I parent. I could not continue doing that I was told, I wondered why. Well.... a young baby needs to have a room of its own and sleep on its own and needs silence to sleep and stuff.
Well... not my baby, my baby is going to be part of our family. My baby can sleep in a carrier or on the bed or in the livingroom or so. Wherever we are. There is no need to all of a sudden send my children to school because there is new baby or so. I was very very surprised by the thought that I would have to all of a sudden change my parenting style, just because there is a 4th coming, when I have managed with 1, 2 and 3 children I surely can manage to keep doing what works for us with 4 :-)
And to be honest, it has worked out very well.
Saturday, 25 October 2008
If you don't finish...
... your meal, you will not get any dessert!
So what is wrong with this statement?
Everything!
Dessert is used as a reward, which means that getting no desert is a punishment. Useless & respectless.
Why force a child to eat more than the child feels comfortable with in the first place, that in itself can breed obesity, which I doubt any parent wants that.
Besides, what's the beef anyway?
Why not take dessert for starters?
Why not make dessert the most important meal?
If you make sure dessert is about as healthy as the meal there is no issue with it at all.
I refuse to use that. My children eat from each course what they want, sometimes they skip dessert as they prefer the starter or the main course.
We don't need that type of stress at our dining table.
Sceptical? Why not try it for a few weeks and see if they still feel dessert is the most important?
That actually only happens when its used as a reward, then the focus goes to the dessert, not the rest, it all of a sudden makes the rest of the meal totally uninteresting, while when there is no stress about it, the whole meal is interesting. Really, just give it a try.
Have fun!
So what is wrong with this statement?
Everything!
Dessert is used as a reward, which means that getting no desert is a punishment. Useless & respectless.
Why force a child to eat more than the child feels comfortable with in the first place, that in itself can breed obesity, which I doubt any parent wants that.
Besides, what's the beef anyway?
Why not take dessert for starters?
Why not make dessert the most important meal?
If you make sure dessert is about as healthy as the meal there is no issue with it at all.
I refuse to use that. My children eat from each course what they want, sometimes they skip dessert as they prefer the starter or the main course.
We don't need that type of stress at our dining table.
Sceptical? Why not try it for a few weeks and see if they still feel dessert is the most important?
That actually only happens when its used as a reward, then the focus goes to the dessert, not the rest, it all of a sudden makes the rest of the meal totally uninteresting, while when there is no stress about it, the whole meal is interesting. Really, just give it a try.
Have fun!
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Household and the family
After reading a thread on an online board recently I have been giving this whole topic some thought and the following is how I feel about it.
When your family grows it can be difficult to find the right way of keeping it up to your standards while the rest of the family has to live there as well.
What would be the most respectful way for all family members to be able to live together.
One thing is for sure, there should be no coercion or pushing or threatening to help out with it. Of course parents can ask for help when things need to be done. And when the family takes the children seriously and respects them they will help. Freedom does a lot of a human being, no matter how small.
In our house there is actually an agreement, not a pushed down their throat type of situation, that after dinner we all take stuff to the kitchen so it gets cleaned up fast. Its pretty cool how this goes and it means within 5 minutes we all can have fun again.
It took time and discussion to get there of course, it didn't go overnight, like it would have when we would have pushed it down their throat.
Simply explaining that everybody likes to go have fun and that we are a small community where we all can help out each other to make the less fun tasks take as little time as possible so we all have time for fun stuff after that made it quite easy. They like playing board games with us, or just simply do math with my partner in the evenings, but when we are cleaning or so we don't have the time for that, when everybody chips in a bit, its a job of minutes and there we go, be there for them.
There is no nagging, rewards, punishments or so necessary to get that fixed, just simple life examples.
When your family grows it can be difficult to find the right way of keeping it up to your standards while the rest of the family has to live there as well.
What would be the most respectful way for all family members to be able to live together.
One thing is for sure, there should be no coercion or pushing or threatening to help out with it. Of course parents can ask for help when things need to be done. And when the family takes the children seriously and respects them they will help. Freedom does a lot of a human being, no matter how small.
In our house there is actually an agreement, not a pushed down their throat type of situation, that after dinner we all take stuff to the kitchen so it gets cleaned up fast. Its pretty cool how this goes and it means within 5 minutes we all can have fun again.
It took time and discussion to get there of course, it didn't go overnight, like it would have when we would have pushed it down their throat.
Simply explaining that everybody likes to go have fun and that we are a small community where we all can help out each other to make the less fun tasks take as little time as possible so we all have time for fun stuff after that made it quite easy. They like playing board games with us, or just simply do math with my partner in the evenings, but when we are cleaning or so we don't have the time for that, when everybody chips in a bit, its a job of minutes and there we go, be there for them.
There is no nagging, rewards, punishments or so necessary to get that fixed, just simple life examples.
Monday, 20 October 2008
Observations in the pool
Yesterday we went swimming with the whole family. All of the girls always love going to swimming, so we try to do this regularly.
Yesterday was particularly interesting as I was focussed on unconditional parenting as I was re-reading in the book by Alfie Kohn the night before.
I have also been reading more of Alice Miller recently again.
So I ended up viewing the parenting styles of the people around us.
It was very disturbing to see a couple with their 3yo child. The girl obviously loved the water and loved her parents. It was pretty odd to watch how the mother was particularly bullying the child, by pushing it with the head under water, when the child clearly did not want that and then laughing very loudly afterwards. It was obvious that it was only clear to me, not to the mother, who thought it was lots of fun, nor the father who was not paying any attention to the scene at all.
When the child openly tried to object the father called the girl a spoil sport and the game just continued.
Later on the couple threw a kiddy life jacket to the other side of the toddler pool and the girl was supposed to go fetch, which the little girl did tirelessly. Every time she turned her face away from her mother to go get the jacket, the mother pushed her and the little girl fell and had to get back up and go to the other side to get the jacket. The water was fairly deep for the little girl, as it was almost as high as her neck.
At some point the girl didn't go fetch very easily, she was really struggling to get up and get there, so the father went there, got the jacket and hid it behind his back and told the girl it was at the mother, so there the girl went again. The father then threw it to the mother, who threw it back again when the girl was there and on it went.
The parents obviously thought it was all fun and games, the girl did keep on smiling, but it was a totally disrespectful way the way it went.
The whole scene gave me a very uneasy feeling, the total lack of being able to see that the little girl didn't like it and was struggling to keep up a happy face.
At some point as I was wondering if I was the only one who noticed, but I wasn't, my own children also noticed.
Later, short before we left there was a girl who wasn't willing to do certain swim exercises, that the mother wanted the girl to do, she was around 7 I would say.
This resulted in the threat of the mother that if the girl wouldn't do that, she wouldn't go swimming of the next month.
Both those scenes made me wonder how things could have been different.
The game of throwing the jacket back and forth could have been played, but without pushing the little girl under water and pushing her all the time. I think the girl would have had fun if it had been that kind of way. Or maybe a totally different game.
I do think both those parents could do with some counselling as they were totally oblivious to their own child's needs.
The second scene didn't make sense to me at all. A child who obviously loves swimming can be left alone to do her thing in a fun pool. And the threat of the mother only made it seem that the girl was doomed if she did, because then she would have to keep doing all kinds of exercises in the pool and doomed if she didn't, because then she was not allowed to go swimming anymore for a month. Either way, the joy in swimming is gone.
It really does not make any sense to me, when a child has fun in the water, let it be. There is no need to push for special exercises.
Yesterday was particularly interesting as I was focussed on unconditional parenting as I was re-reading in the book by Alfie Kohn the night before.
I have also been reading more of Alice Miller recently again.
So I ended up viewing the parenting styles of the people around us.
It was very disturbing to see a couple with their 3yo child. The girl obviously loved the water and loved her parents. It was pretty odd to watch how the mother was particularly bullying the child, by pushing it with the head under water, when the child clearly did not want that and then laughing very loudly afterwards. It was obvious that it was only clear to me, not to the mother, who thought it was lots of fun, nor the father who was not paying any attention to the scene at all.
When the child openly tried to object the father called the girl a spoil sport and the game just continued.
Later on the couple threw a kiddy life jacket to the other side of the toddler pool and the girl was supposed to go fetch, which the little girl did tirelessly. Every time she turned her face away from her mother to go get the jacket, the mother pushed her and the little girl fell and had to get back up and go to the other side to get the jacket. The water was fairly deep for the little girl, as it was almost as high as her neck.
At some point the girl didn't go fetch very easily, she was really struggling to get up and get there, so the father went there, got the jacket and hid it behind his back and told the girl it was at the mother, so there the girl went again. The father then threw it to the mother, who threw it back again when the girl was there and on it went.
The parents obviously thought it was all fun and games, the girl did keep on smiling, but it was a totally disrespectful way the way it went.
The whole scene gave me a very uneasy feeling, the total lack of being able to see that the little girl didn't like it and was struggling to keep up a happy face.
At some point as I was wondering if I was the only one who noticed, but I wasn't, my own children also noticed.
Later, short before we left there was a girl who wasn't willing to do certain swim exercises, that the mother wanted the girl to do, she was around 7 I would say.
This resulted in the threat of the mother that if the girl wouldn't do that, she wouldn't go swimming of the next month.
Both those scenes made me wonder how things could have been different.
The game of throwing the jacket back and forth could have been played, but without pushing the little girl under water and pushing her all the time. I think the girl would have had fun if it had been that kind of way. Or maybe a totally different game.
I do think both those parents could do with some counselling as they were totally oblivious to their own child's needs.
The second scene didn't make sense to me at all. A child who obviously loves swimming can be left alone to do her thing in a fun pool. And the threat of the mother only made it seem that the girl was doomed if she did, because then she would have to keep doing all kinds of exercises in the pool and doomed if she didn't, because then she was not allowed to go swimming anymore for a month. Either way, the joy in swimming is gone.
It really does not make any sense to me, when a child has fun in the water, let it be. There is no need to push for special exercises.
Monday, 13 October 2008
Teaching to say sorry, do we need to?
My answer would be no.
Why you ask?
I think that children will learn what they need to learn in this world without being explicitly taught to do so. Unschooled children learn to read and write without being explicitly taught to do so, just by wanting to. Sure, they will ask questions, but when they get those answered, they will learn it. My own children are just an example of that. My 11yo daughter is speaking, reading and writing in three languages. She has started messing around with the fourth in the meantime. When an average child can learn that, just on their own, then I do think people can really trust their children to learn to learn the correct word use of the society as well.
I think it would be quite an insult to their intelligence to think they wouldn't learn to use simple words like that when they can learn whole languages, don't you? Besides it also shows no faith in your own child to be able to learn as it is.
I have read about the Yequana, there people do not consciously teach children stuff. They expect children to just grow up and do their thing within the tribe. Obviously it has worked for a very long time, because they haven't changed their ways. It has made me wonder why the ways have changed in our society. I don't think it has much to do with whether children learned or not, probably more with a certain way of not trusting children to learn. These ways are on in the western civilized countries this bad, not in others. I guess people don't have time there to bother with these things, they have more important things to do, like make sure they get food.
Why you ask?
I think that children will learn what they need to learn in this world without being explicitly taught to do so. Unschooled children learn to read and write without being explicitly taught to do so, just by wanting to. Sure, they will ask questions, but when they get those answered, they will learn it. My own children are just an example of that. My 11yo daughter is speaking, reading and writing in three languages. She has started messing around with the fourth in the meantime. When an average child can learn that, just on their own, then I do think people can really trust their children to learn to learn the correct word use of the society as well.
I think it would be quite an insult to their intelligence to think they wouldn't learn to use simple words like that when they can learn whole languages, don't you? Besides it also shows no faith in your own child to be able to learn as it is.
I have read about the Yequana, there people do not consciously teach children stuff. They expect children to just grow up and do their thing within the tribe. Obviously it has worked for a very long time, because they haven't changed their ways. It has made me wonder why the ways have changed in our society. I don't think it has much to do with whether children learned or not, probably more with a certain way of not trusting children to learn. These ways are on in the western civilized countries this bad, not in others. I guess people don't have time there to bother with these things, they have more important things to do, like make sure they get food.
Monday, 24 December 2007
Daycare can cause SIDS...
The following article is unfortunately in Dutch: http://www.nu.nl/news/1365696/151/rss/%27Kinderdagverblijf_kan_wiegendood_veroorzaken%27.html
It does, however, show that a Dutch scientist has found a link between daycare and SIDS.
He has a few reasons for his thought. Breastfeeding is usually not continued in a daycare setting, which is important for the health of mother and baby.
Very young children are focussed on getting to know their father and their mother, and when they all of a sudden cannot smell, hear, feel or see them, they get stressed, which can attribute to SIDS and is a negative factor in their health and development.
Guus de Jonge obviously is of the opinion that young children, below 1 year of age, should not be in daycare. Even before he published anything I already agreed with that. Its nice to know that there are really good scientific reasons behind it as well.
It does, however, show that a Dutch scientist has found a link between daycare and SIDS.
He has a few reasons for his thought. Breastfeeding is usually not continued in a daycare setting, which is important for the health of mother and baby.
Very young children are focussed on getting to know their father and their mother, and when they all of a sudden cannot smell, hear, feel or see them, they get stressed, which can attribute to SIDS and is a negative factor in their health and development.
Guus de Jonge obviously is of the opinion that young children, below 1 year of age, should not be in daycare. Even before he published anything I already agreed with that. Its nice to know that there are really good scientific reasons behind it as well.
Sunday, 23 December 2007
Priorities
Lately I have been wondering again about something.
I noticed that people spends thousands of pounds for their wedding, but when it comes to having children, they do not want to spend a penny, but do complain about the care they have received.
It really made me wonder what is so important about a wedding compared to having a child.
I would prefer having a jeans wedding and in comparison to that be able to pick the best independent midwife I can find, that suits my thoughts and needs on birth.
But I guess people don't really think ahead or so. Which is another surprising thought to me. I prefer thinking ahead of what the future will bring and try to make sure that things go as smooth as possible for the whole family. Of course I cannot fully plan life either. Surprises do happen, but at least it makes it possible for me to anticipate on those without having to worry too much about other things.
I wish I could understand why people seem to spend so much money on a wedding and no money on having a baby. If anyone knows, please let me know in the comments. I am genuinely curious.
I noticed that people spends thousands of pounds for their wedding, but when it comes to having children, they do not want to spend a penny, but do complain about the care they have received.
It really made me wonder what is so important about a wedding compared to having a child.
I would prefer having a jeans wedding and in comparison to that be able to pick the best independent midwife I can find, that suits my thoughts and needs on birth.
But I guess people don't really think ahead or so. Which is another surprising thought to me. I prefer thinking ahead of what the future will bring and try to make sure that things go as smooth as possible for the whole family. Of course I cannot fully plan life either. Surprises do happen, but at least it makes it possible for me to anticipate on those without having to worry too much about other things.
I wish I could understand why people seem to spend so much money on a wedding and no money on having a baby. If anyone knows, please let me know in the comments. I am genuinely curious.
Thursday, 13 December 2007
What about toys
When I look at the toys that are available in shops, its all plastic or plastic related. There is very little natural. Of course you can buy wooden toys, but those are very very expensive.
So how do tribal kids play, what kind of toys do they have.
I have watched some films and read some about it in books.
Tribal kids have toys as well, just not in the way we do in our society. In our society all toys have to fit within the health and safety rules of the various countries, this means: often no metal, definitely no chance on hurting themselves. But how are they going to learn to use stuff for the future.
In tribal communities where hunting is important, kids have small bows and arrows and other hunting tools, kid size, but nonetheless real. They can hurt themselves.
They are simply working along with their parents in gathering and cooking etc.
Our children are often in daycare, with plastic toys, very little real life going on there, so very little learning experiences that are real life again.
I have found a small cooker on which kids can cook with tealights, they can burn themselves and hurt themselves, but they do enjoy using it.
Furthermore one of my girls has her own sewing machine, as she loves sewing, and with that learning about fabric and yarn and how to combine the 2, often with success, sometimes it doesn't turn out too well.
I have learned from what I saw in the films about tribes to not be bothered anymore about my kids wanting a bow and arrow and a catapult, those are real tools in tribal communities, of course not anymore for us, we don't go out hunting, but the ancient need to use these kind of things in play, hunting play, is there. They also check out what in the woods they can eat/ gather. They have asked about buying a book on that, as we have no clue on what exactly you can and cannot eat, we have lost those skills.
Earlier this year they went to Alice Holt for a surivival day and learned a lot about den building, gathering food from the woods and what plants have medicinal properties. At present they know more about that kind of stuff than I do.
So how do tribal kids play, what kind of toys do they have.
I have watched some films and read some about it in books.
Tribal kids have toys as well, just not in the way we do in our society. In our society all toys have to fit within the health and safety rules of the various countries, this means: often no metal, definitely no chance on hurting themselves. But how are they going to learn to use stuff for the future.
In tribal communities where hunting is important, kids have small bows and arrows and other hunting tools, kid size, but nonetheless real. They can hurt themselves.
They are simply working along with their parents in gathering and cooking etc.
Our children are often in daycare, with plastic toys, very little real life going on there, so very little learning experiences that are real life again.
I have found a small cooker on which kids can cook with tealights, they can burn themselves and hurt themselves, but they do enjoy using it.
Furthermore one of my girls has her own sewing machine, as she loves sewing, and with that learning about fabric and yarn and how to combine the 2, often with success, sometimes it doesn't turn out too well.
I have learned from what I saw in the films about tribes to not be bothered anymore about my kids wanting a bow and arrow and a catapult, those are real tools in tribal communities, of course not anymore for us, we don't go out hunting, but the ancient need to use these kind of things in play, hunting play, is there. They also check out what in the woods they can eat/ gather. They have asked about buying a book on that, as we have no clue on what exactly you can and cannot eat, we have lost those skills.
Earlier this year they went to Alice Holt for a surivival day and learned a lot about den building, gathering food from the woods and what plants have medicinal properties. At present they know more about that kind of stuff than I do.
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